My Story

When I was two my father beat me pretty hard. Years later my older sister would tell me that she thought that day that he killed me. I don’t say this for pitty or for a wow affect, I say this for you to see in me that neurological issues have been a way of life for me- my entire life. Beatings that hard weren’t really look on that much after they happened and they never really stopped but they weren’t the hard part- it was the time they didn’t happen. It was the constant threat of living in a house where it became normal. A house where any act could be misinterpreted and result extreme unnecessary violence at any time. It was the ‘reality’ of the place…

Our house was built like wooden-ship, almost any of us could hear all the others from almost anywhere in the house- and there were 9 of us (I was second youngest). A big 5,000 sqft converted from an old shed-barn monstrosity that was ‘912 Greenhill Drive’… no drywall on the insides, massive skylights all through the open ceiling “concept”, particle board wood for floors and bedsheets for walks where there wasn’t insulation blocking the divide… it was quite a scene. What this meant for me however is that my childhood was a chorus of footsteps inside this immense space.

What it meant is that- what my father beat into me starting at that young age wasn’t just trauma- it was a hyper sensitivity as to the feelings of others.

How far from the end of their rope were they and was it safe to come near them? And what this meant, is I learned to listen.

The sound of their movements in their room above, or next door or as they were outside coming in told me the story of if I was safe or not. What I learned through this unknowingly is to identify on thing - State. As I said, I didn’t know it at the time, I just wanted to make sure they would be ‘cool’ and if not- avoid them or “be ready”. Determining what noise Vs what noise represented the sound of my father took up the focus of my enteir childhood. As my safety depended on it, I can say this is pretty safe to say.

In time I became quite proficient at this- even expert level where I got board, I felt like I knew everything that was going on all the time, just by listening always to everyones ‘sound’. Then my study deepened- I started watching how one persons energy being off would “ping” around the house. How it would gradually change the feel of the house until everyone felt that way- even subtly... and then I’d watch it arrive at me. It’s that juncture- right there, where I’m standing face to face with this ‘thing’… this off-ness that I feel i have now spent the other half of my life. Looking at this “thing” and without wanting to judge it or change it… not allow it to change me. Not allow it to get me think I had to defend my self against it. Not, letting it fool me into thinking it was my enemy. And if I could, support it, support them, in returning back to the thing that deep down they wanted to be.

What a Quest.

The result of which, is… ⋮human

Thanks for readying, looking so forward to the opportunity to share.

~ James